Man, I want to say those words and mean them.
So I pretty much had my first complete mental breakdown this weekend. Yay.. everyone got to see my neurotic side! As I closed in on my fifth X on my whiteboard’s weekly countdown until the end of this lease, I was counting down the minutes until I got my daily dose of the girl I miss more than I can explain. In an ironic twist, her social life has picked up quite a bit since I’ve relocated, so I had to do without, and my brain didn’t take too kindly to the sudden withdrawal.
So I did what any rational 32 year old would do. I posted a bunch of generic emo-sounding updates on Facebook, downed half a bottle of Jager and hit bottom. OK, so perhaps it’s the _opposite_ of what a rational 32 year old would do, but it’s not exceptionally shocking behavior for me. I mean, really, I should have seen it coming with the daily mini-breakdowns I had been keeping to myself.
The great thing is it only lasted two days this time. Some amazing people reached out via Facebook and text message and really helped pull me through, then I had my “spill my guts, cry, and then get over it” routine with the girl that really put my mind back in the right place. I smiled for the first time since Friday. It felt great, the proverbial “weight lifted from the shoulders” feeling.
It’s not over, though. I’m not as adaptable as most people. Every single day is a struggle, not when I’m at work or when I’m running errands or when I’m working out, but when I lay down to sleep. Melatonin slows my overactive and pessimistic brain but it doesn’t stop it. The way I feel right now is this: I definitely do not have 47 more weeks in me. I strongly doubt that I would be able to manage half that. It’s likely that I would find a way below rock bottom if I was still out here in late spring.
As it stands today, I’m going to put this week in, go develop a social life (thanks Erik Hess for helping me get started with this tomorrow), and head home to the center of my universe this weekend to put some color and taste back into my drab grey life. I seriously booked the flight back at 6am on Monday so I could sleep there one more (partial) night. It was good foresight on my part… I need all the help I can get.
After that, I have a week off during Christmas and I’m hoping to add at least two more weekends in Ohio during between now and then. I’m flying Kristin and Tiffany out for New Year’s Eve. That’s where the current plans end and where I’m formulating my next steps. My thoughts are to suggest allowing me to work from home for a few weeks in late January/early February to accomplish a number of important things:
– Avoid as much of Minnesnowta’s harsh winter as possible
– Take care of any issues around the house that need to be resolves
– Keep myself from going insane spending the cold winter alone
– Prove that I’m as productive, efficient, and participatory working from home
I was initially planning to use this as a stepping stone to begin a long-term discussion to transition into a May start date for working from Ohio. After the past two days, I feel like my situation is more serious and I’m planning to solicit feedback and foster an immediate conversation on whether this time was well spent and how we can speed along a transition that allows me to return to Ohio, flying out to Minneapolis as needed, and to make that happen in the shortest possible timeframe.
Credit where it’s due.. Kristin told me immediately. She said it was going to be hard for me. She knows me better than I know myself. She said to consider how I’ll be able to go on with the distance and I said I’d pull through. I can’t think of a time where her advice was off the mark, but this was her most accurate bulls-eye ever.
Sigh. I should listen to her more often.
And I shouldn’t come back to Minneapolis next Monday without her…